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Entered according to the Act of Congress, in the year 
1893, by S. P. Hamilton, in the office of the Librarian 
of Congress, Washington. 



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Preface and Dedication. 



This little dramatic venture has its history. In April 
1890, the author saw in the New York Sunday World the 
offer of a prize for the best play by a native author — the 
successful playwright to have his effort put upon the 
stage of the Union Square Theatre, New York, in the best 
style. The time fixed for all competitors to have their 
works in to be judged by a committee was the 15th May. 
My time was very short; I wrote the play in eight days. 
It had only 324 competitors, and the award was to a 
young lady with a play entitled Will o' the Wisp. 

When my modest little piece (the amusement of an 
idle hour) was returned, I put it silently away and no one 
knew I had made such an attempt. Afterwards I read it 
to friends whose taste in such matters is good. They 
seemed to think there is merit in it, and what is more ne- 
cessary in these days, humor of such a kind as produces 
amusement and merriment. 

It has been greatly added to, changed, and, in my 
opinion, improved. 

Such as it is, I dedicate it to a lady I do not know and 
never saw in my life. In the high place which she once 
filled for four years, and to which she has been lately 
returned, she secured my unbounded admiration of her 
character and conduct in so difficult a sphere as the head 

TMP96-007042 



of society at Washington. I am sure, from the high 
traits she has displayed, she must be a woman of taste and 
sentiment. After this it is hardly necessary to name her 
as Mrs. Frances Folsom Cleveland, the wife of our 
President. 

THE AUTHOR. 
Chester, S. C, June ip, iSpj. 



$8*-- 



DRAMATIS PERSONAE. 



MOSE Colored Farm Hand. 

JOSH His Son. 

AUNT DINAH His Wife. 

BUDDY Grand Son. 

RICHARD CASTLETON Uncle. 

THOMAS CASTLETON Nephew. 

LORD TINKLEBERRY Young Scotch Lord. 

COUNT PETTIT POIS French Count. 

PIERRE DE SMUGER Once Peter Smug. 

VANDAM KILL VON KULL Knickerbocker. 

DICK Colored Boy . 

SERVANT of the De Smugers. 

MRS. KILL VON KULL. 
MRS. PIERRE DE SMUGER. 
MISS LETITIA DE SMUGER. 
MISS SPUYTEN DUYVEL. 

SNIPPO French Tailor. 

AUNT LIDDY Colored Cook 



iM©@ip iiuiil #m1£i< 



ACT ISt. SCENE 1st. 



A cottonfield — The last ploughing — Cotton in full bloom — 
Mose and Josh each ploughing his mule — Tom Castle- 
ton his blooded filly — They cross the stage, each plough- 
ing in his separate cotton row — They halt, unhitch for 
dinner — The mules and horse go off at the side — Tom 
Castleton leaning on the plough handles exhausted. 

Castleton : — Uncle Mose, unhitch my gears for me; its 
awful hot and still. I nearly fell down in a faint as I 
ploughed that last furrow. 

Mose: — Yuse jist got no business hyar, Mars Tom, a 
tryin to wuk longside we niggers; yuse no use in dis cot- 
ton patch anyhow, but yuse spunky and wont giv up. 
Leave dis wuk to me an Josh, for it's nuthin to us. 

Castleton: — I have taken this job, Uncle Mose, on 
myself, and I'll never falter if I drop dead at the plough ; 
it is my pride not to be idle. 

Mose: — Quit, Mars Tom, quit. It grieves my ole 
ooman's heart to see you svvettin in dis yere fiel. She 
raise you, you know, en giv you suck longside our Josh. 

Josh: — I members dat well, Mars Thomas. 

Mose: — You rickleck, Marster Tom, yu'se arstocr'cy 
folks from away back. Your fader raise me. He usen 
hab live tousan acres ob Ian and tree hunderd niggers to 
boot. He hab 'e carriage, 'e blood horses, 'e pack er 
houn's, 'e silver an 'e gole, en his servants in livry; yes, 
an your mudcler, ah! she was a lady sure, an gran; en 



[ 6 ] 

if dey was right hyar, boff of clem, today, dey would cry 
dey berry eyes out to see dete lone pet chile a common 
fiel han'. 

Castleton: — That's all past and I put it behind me, 
Uncle Mose ; the five thousand acres are gone for debt and 
I've been able to save a bare three hundred: sweet free- 
dom's breath has blown upon those slaves once ours; and 
happy we that God has willed it so. They are all gone to 
seek their fortunes where they list, save you and yours, 
faithful Mose. You worked for me while at school and 
college I got my education, and I owe you all a debt I 
cannot easily repay. 

Mose: — This kine er wuk not filten for you nohow, 
no more en for your little blooded creetur dere ; she mines 
it more nor you. She's gotten de blue blood in her too: 
Sir Archy, Bertran, Clara Fisher, Black 'Ria, Sov'rin 
and all of them, not forgittin dis here great horse, dey call 
him Luxington. 

Castleton: — (Throwing himself down under the shade 
of a tree.) Where's Buddy with dinner? You Buddy!!! 
(he calls.) 

[Enter Buddy with a tin bucket in either hand.] 

Buddy: — Yahs me, Granny sen' dinner. (Hands a 
bucket to Castleton and one to Mose.) 

Castleton: — What's for dinner? (Uncovers bucket.) 

Bud: — Fat meat, pone bread. 

Castleton : — Rough. 

Bud: — Good nuff; gooder fur me den turkey hash. 

Castleton: — Run to the spring and bring the big 
gourd with water. (They all eat.) Bud makes a little 
shuffle with his feet and darts off for the spring. Returns 
with a large gourd on his head, full of water. Tom takes 
a long draught.) Castleton: — Better than Champagne, 
Bud. 



[ 7 ] 

Bud: — No gooder than simmon bare, eh! 
Castleton: — And now for a mid-day nap. 
Bud: — An den we all lay by de crap. 
Castleton: — First we'll sing. (They all sing:) 

Rest, honest toilers, for a little while, 

As gentle slumber falls upon thine eyes; 

And dream)' fancies its short hour beguiles, 

With hopes of love beyond the skies. 

Oh! Lord look down on these, both high and low, 

And take them in thy special care, 

If to thy will divine they alway bow. 

Give ear and heed their every earnest prayer. 

(They all cast themselves down in the shade and 
sleep. Exit Bucl, balancing the gourd on his head — first 
he dances the double-shuffle.) 

[Enter Aunt Dinah, with a small piece of pine brush in 
her hand and singing.] 

Dinah: — Thars my poore chile what I raise. What 
'ud my poor missus in her grave say if she'd rise up now 
from yon berryin' groun'? But she's mighty happy, poor 
sole, wid de Lord, case she can nebber see her poor dear 
boy. (Advances and leans over the sleeper.) Look at 
dem little feet wid dem hard ole shoes on, en dem little 
han' all freckle en tan, en his putty face I usen to press 
to my bress. My poor chile! My poor chile! (She sits 
at his head brushing away the flies; sings again and finally 
falls asleep herself.) 

scene 2nd. 
A cotton field after frost, white with cotton — Castleton, 

Mcse, Josh, Autit Dinah and Buddy, with their pokes 

slung around their necks picking cotton. 
Mose sings: — 

Pick! Pick! Pickaway; res by night, pick all 
de day; 



C 8 ] 

De gin house open wide to stay ; 
De gin e runnin, de day e sunny; 
We'll gin en pack den git de money. 
Chorus: — 

Buddy Sings: — 

Sum runs all nite en hunt de possum, 
De torch 'e blaze en de nigger holler, 
De do<£ 'e tree, sometime dev kotch um, 
Chance times dey's got de coon to follow. 
Chorus: — Pick, etc., etc. 
Aunt Dinah sings: 

You better mine what all use doin', 
And pick two hundred evry day, 
I'll spin de yern en do de sewin', 
If you'll all pick, pick, pickaway. 
Chorus: — (Repeats the whole of last verse.) 

Castleton : — Well folks, this is my last cotton picking 
for many a day. Christmas is coming and New Year not 
far off. 

Aunt Dinah: — Jist lis'en to dis yere boy! Whar's 
you gwine, en what yuse gwine to do Mars Tommy? 
What's we'uns gwine to do bidout you? 

Castleton: — Well, New Year's day I will be in the 
city of New York, and in that big place I expect to seek 
my fortune; this is too slow for me. 

Mose: — We'll be mighty sorry w'en yuse gone Mars 
Tom; yuse bin gettin on mighty well and making plenty 
money. 

Castleton: — Little a plenty, Mose. 

Mose: — Rickleck, Mars Tom, de story 'bout de 
cooter and de rabbit. Which ob dem two git dere fust? 

Castleton :— You remember my father's brother Rich- 
ard, don't you, Uncle Mose and Aunt Dinah? 



L 9 ] 

Aunt Dinah: — Mighty well; it's a powerful long time 
ago. De las time I seed him 'e dress like ole fash n man ; 
'e breeches sky blue en 'e boot shine like de looking 
glass. 

Castleton: — Well, he lives in New York, and has 
done so nearly all his life; he is a big power there and 
can do me a heap of good, if he will. 

Aunt Dinah:— What you a gwine to do wid dis plan- 
tashun and all de tings yuse got? 

Castleton: — Leave them all as they are now, all for 
you folks. There's corn in the cribs, meat in the smoke- 
house, wheat and oats in the barn, and fodder in the loft. 
Take good care of the stock and everything, plant your 
crop, and when you house it all, divide and send me half. 

Aunt Dinah: — If you be gone twenty year, when you 
come back if dere be one ob dis yere fam'ly livin' you'll 
fine ebryting jist so as yo lef um. 

Castleton: — Rest assured, good people, if I die un- 
married you'll find my will at the Court House; the prop- 
erty will all be yours. But if I live and do not meet suc- 
cess, I've not burned the bridge behind me, and I can 
come back to Mose and Josh. 

[Curtain falls.] 

ACT 2nd. SCENE 1st. 

New York City — Mr. Richard Castleton s parlor, in his ap- 
partments on Fifth Avenue. 

Enter Richard Castleton: — (in dressing gown and slip- 
pers.) 

Heaven and earth, what a world of trouble this is! 
Although my whole study has been to lead a life of ease 
the interruption to this is when I meddle with other peo- 
ple's affairs. I have devoted myself, all my life, to the 
study of society in New York, have by a certain tact, good 
breeding and will, carried everything before me, have the 



[ io ] 

entree everywhere, have become the friend and adviser of 
the best people and their guide in matters of taste and 
fashion, but this eminence has become a nuisance, for I 
am badgered to death to carry innumerable people into 
society on my broad shoulders. I have one case on hand 
now, which if I carry through without disaster, I will be 
surprised. It is the family of Pierre de Smuger, husband, 
wife and daughter — born Peter Smug. Ha, Ha! [Laughs 
immoderately] Smuger! Smug! Too good! Peter Smug 
is a plain business fellow and he has been dragged into 
this imposition against his will. Smug and I were boys 
together at home ; from his earliest days he developed a 
talent for making money. 

He is worth three million, and I an annuity of barely 
$2500 a year. He made his in New Orleans in cotton ; 
mine was left me by a relation. His wife was better born 
than he and boasted a Huguenot name, the potent 
cause of the Frenchifying of Smug. Whew! What an 
ambition that woman has to shine in New York society. 
The family has been in Europe for the last two years. 
From Paris she constituted me her commissioner. What 
do you think that woman wrote me? She ordered a hand- 
some mansion to be purchased on Fifth Avenue, as near 
as possible to the houses of the Kill von Kulls and the 
Spuyten Duyvels, and I have actually bought one from 
Spuyten Duyvel himself, at a big figure, for them. They 
are all pleased, except poor Smug. He winced terribly 
when the purchase money was to be paid. Well, they are 
all safe under the Duyvels roof now, and are happy, I 
hope. I am looking for Smug every minute. 

[Smug announced — Enters: — ]Well Dick, here I am, 
in no happy frame of mind. 

Rich. Cast: — Why, what's the matter now? Are you 
not in your new house, splendidly furnished and in the 
most aristocratic quarter, next door to the Spuyten Duy- 



[ II ] 

vels and opposite the Kill von Kulls? What more can 
fashionable people want? 

Smug: — I wish they were all at the devil, for my part, 
where their infernal Dutch name intended them to be. 
One hundred thousand for a house! Twenty-five thous- 
and for furniture ! I would rather a great deal be in an 
honest log house at home, with a pine table and a few oak 
chairs. 

Rich. Cast. : — That is no money at all, Peter, for a 
house and furniture on Fifth Avenue — Kill von Kull's cost 
a half million. 

Smug: — And then this dishonest change of name! 
That thing is a perpetual nightmare to me and sooner or 
later will bring disgrace upon us. 

Rich. Cast.: — Whose wonderful invention was that? 
Certainly it shows a brilliant genius. 

Smug: — My wife's, of course, assisted by a beggarly 
little French Count, the Count de Petit Pois they call him, 
who pretended to find the Smugers in some book of Her- 
aldry as a great Huguenot family; my wife told him that 
Smuger was our original name, only abbreviated, as is 
the habit of American trades-people. 

Rich: — What has become of him? 

Smug: — He is in this city, and domesticated in our 
new house. My wife found him in Paris, living in a gar- 
ret, with literallv not a shirt to his back. How my wife 
made his acquaintance I cannot imagine. It happened, 
nevertheless. Dick, do you suppose the family of Petit 
Pois is a noble one? 

Rich. Cast: — Heaven knows. 

Smug:— Well, I must not forget my wife's letter; 
here it is, and I will be gone. You know I have ventured 
into business — stocks — Fox, Box & Smu-ger. Bah! "Jay" 
onto the end of the infernal name chokes me in my throat 
every time I have to use it. 



[ 12 ] 

Rich Cast: — Well, no doubt Fox, Box & Smug would 
have sounded much more business-like for the firm. You 
must keep a sharp lookout, old fellow: one eye intently on 
Fox and the other more fixedly on Box. They have it 
within their brilliant capacity to swamp their own partner^ 
sell him out and retire themselves with full pockets. 

[Exit Smug. J 

R. Cast.: — Well, I must read this letter of the elegant 
Mrs. Pierre de Smuger. [Reads.] 

"My Dear Mr. Castle ton : 

"We have been ten days in our new house and it 
is high time we should be seeing about our equipage. I 
commission you to buy the finest pair of horses in New 
York (greys preferred), a pony and carriage for my daugh- 
ter Letitia, and a couple of thoroughbred riding horses." 
[Castleton interrupting: — Poor Peter Smug!!!] 

"I rely entirely on your taste, which is conceded by all 
to be the best in these matters of any one in America. 

"The carriage I leave to you, only saying that it must 
be like, but far finer, than that of my neighbors, the K. 
v. K's and S. D's. Be sure to have our Coat of Arms, 
which the Count de Petit Pois will furnish you, painted on 
the panels. 

"Yours, with much esteem, 

"Marie Ginnieat de Smuget." 

Rich. Cast.: — I overlooked the postscript. "Is it not 
time the K. v. K's, and the S. D's. were calling on us?" 
Ah! what a woman Peter Smug has got for a partner. 
Marie Ginnilat de Smuger! Ha! ha! The middle name 
is her maiden name — Huguenot. Egad! I remember old 
Ginnilat, her father, very well. 

[Letter handed in by servant.] 

Rich. Cast, (.in evident agitation): — Heavens! what 
luck! Here's a letter of introduction from my friend the 
Duke of Sutherland for young Lord Tinkleberry and he 



[ i3' J 

is at the Albemarle, near by. Let me hurry on my 
clothes, not a moment to be lost. [Exit — he returns on 
his way out.] These wretches here will snap him up in 
short order, without any introduction, if they get wind of 
of his arrival. [Exit.] 

scene 2nd. 

Enter Mr. Castleton and Lord Tinklebcrry, arm in arm. 

R. Cast.: — Welcome! my Lord, to these humble 
quarters, suitable only to secure the ease and comfort of 
an old bachelor. 

Tinkle.: — Vastly snug, Mr. Castleton. What an es- 
cape I have made from that blarsted inn! Why, what do 
you think that beggar of an innkeeper did to me? 

Richard: — Can't imagine (I must put English nobility 
at ease by talking their dialect.) 

Tinkle. : — Introduced me to every beggar of an em- 
ployee in the house, from the bar-keeper to the boot- 
black — and that before I had gotten off my boots, much 
less my sea-legs. 

Richard: — Horrible! Gothic! Democratic ideas, my 
Lord, which slide naturally from political to social equality. 
Take a seat, my Lord — or would you rather go to your 
room? 

Tinkle.: — Thank you, Mr. Castleton, I will sit here 
and smoke while I read the Herald. 
[Rap at the door.] 

Rich. Cast.: — Come. 
[Tom Castleton enters.] 

Rich. Cast.: — Whom have I the honor to address! 

Tom Cast. : — Why, Uncle Richard, I am your 
nephew Tom, lately arrived. 

"Rich. Cast. : — Indeed, Tom, is this you? (Shaking 
him by the hand warmly.) I am so very glad to see you, 



[ H I 

for you are the last of our name. It was only this morn- 
ing that I was reading your letter, Tom. In it you say 
you own three hundred acres of land, run three plows, 
make usually thirty bales of cotton, plenty of corn and 
other small grain, cattle, hogs, poultry, etc. You say the 
kind of life you are leading is too slow and stagnant for 
you — that you are capable of better things, and want to try 
your chances in New York. 

T. Cast.: — Yes Uncle, that is what I wrote. 
Rich. Cast. : — What number of persons in this great 
city are so well off as you, my worthy nephew? 
Tinkle, (aside): — What number in London? 
T. Cast.: — I have no idea, Sir. 

R. Cast.:— Not nearly one-third of them. How many 
who come to take the chances in an untried experiment of 
business in New York without means, and without friends, 
ever achieve a distinct success? Can you guess? 

T. Cast.: — I cannot answer that any more than the 
first inquiry, Uncle. 

R. Cast. : — Go and buy a single ticket in the Louis- 
iana Lottery and see how near you will come to drawing 
any of the capital prizes, then you will be answered. And 
what do you propose to do in this whirlpool of business 
into which you are desirous I should introduce you? 

T. Cast.: — Get me a place in a store, Uncle Richard. 
You and your great friends, through you, patronize so 
many of them that the owners will jump at your request 
to give me a place. 

R. Cast.: — Boy, do you think I would permit a 
nephew of mine, the last of our house, the descendant of 
soldiers and statesmen, to walk in the dirty avenues of 
trade in a vile shop; no Sir! better to live on a crust of 
bread in a garret. 

T. Cast.: — But you forget, Uncle, I have just come 



[ i5 J 

from a business where I plowed and worked in the field 
alongside of our own negroes. 

R. Cast. : — That is no dishonor ; if we see a fellow 
blacking boots or doing some other menial job, instinctive- 
ly we have a contempt for him, but when we look at one 
with his head erect, in the free air of heaven, walking be- 
tween the handles of a plough, engaged in God's first-given 
work to man, he represents in his person the true dignity 
of labor. 

T. Cast.: — Well, Uncle, perhaps you might get me 
into a stock-broker's office, or something of the kind. 

R. Cast. : — Worse and worse ! I despise them and their 
business, with their infernal slang of "puts" and "calls" 
and straddles; it is all a game of rascality from beginning 
to end. I don't know any such people. In fact I have 
no business below Madison Square, and never go down 
town except twice a year, to draw my annuity : sometimes 
on Sundays, after attending Grace Church, I go below the 
line to visit certain old families (not fashionable people) 
with whom it serves a good purpose to keep always en 
rapport 

Tinkle.: — Good advice, Mr. Castleton. 

R. Cast. : — My Lord, excuse my neglect in not sooner 
introducing you to my nephew, Mr. Thomas Castleton, 
fresh from the South. 

Tinkle. (Rising and shaking hands warmly): — delight- 
ed to know you, Sir! No doubt being about the same age 
we must be great friends. Mr. Richard, if you will let a 
servant show me to my room I will retire and let your 
nephew talk over family matters with you. 

R. Cast. : — Let me have that honor myself, my Lord. 
[Escorts him out and returns.] 

T. Cast. (Aside): — I wish Uncle would not be quite 
so obsequious; he has been ruined here, no doubt, by the 
craze for titled people. 



I 16 ] 

T. Cast, (continuing) : — Well, Uncle, what am I to 
do, if I am too good for everything in the way of business? 

R. Cast.: — I have entirely different views for your 
future — and first I must introduce you into society as my 
adopted son and heir. These people think I have saved 
quite a snug sum of money, but I never give them any idea 
of my business, although they let me into all their secrets. 
I have a little nest egg well invested, I confess; if I die 
intestate, you are my only heir, and will get it all, but I 
shall make a will, for I must take care of Aunt Liddy, my 
cook, in her old age. 

T. Cast.: — Aunt Liddy! why surely she is not here, 
she is the sister of my Aunt Dinah ; where is her kitchen 
Uncle, down stairs or on this floor? I must certainly see 
her. 

R. Cast.: — Yes, Aunt Liddy has been with me ever 
since I have lived in New York. She is the only slave I 
ever owned, and was given to me by your dear mother, 
on account of her wonderful genius in the culinary art. Her 
kitchen is in the garret, for, as is well known, the odor of 
cooking ascends, and the slightest whiff of that kind is not 
permitted among people of taste; so kitchens are banished 
now to the regions above. I owe many of my social 
triumphs to Aunt Liddy, particularly in the way of break- 
fasts. Freedom seems to have made not the slightest 
change in her; she has but two devotions, first to my ser- 
vice and then to a colored Baptist church, to which nearly 
every night she resorts. An elevator will carry you to 
her kitchen when you want to see her. Have you an 
evening dress-suit? 

T. Cast.: — I unfortunately have not. 

R. Cast.: — This day I will take you to my little 
tailor. He is a Frenchman and really a character. He 
is a most exquisite worker, however, and for that reason 
every one takes it for granted I have my clothes made in 



[ i7 J 

Paris. He is a thriftless creature and lives from 
hand to mouth. Whenever I want a suit of 
clothes made, I buy the cloth at some store 
where they sell me at cost, on account of my sup- 
posed power to recommend their goods to the rich and 
fashionable. I then have the Frenchman introduced into 
this house at six o'clock in the morning, with his tailor's 
board, goose, scissors, thread and needles. He is confin- 
ed in a single room next to the kitchen, with Aunt Liddy 
to watch him. She gives him an elegant breakfast and 
dinner, accompanied by a bottle of good claret at each 
meal, and plenty of cigars to smoke, and he is not releas- 
ed until the suit is finished. I want you to come here to 
dine on next Sunday. It will be only a family dinner. I 
may have Count Petit Pois also — five o'clock sharp, be- 
cause Liddy has to go to her Baptist church at half past 
seven Sunday evenings, and if she is prevented there is a 
row in the family. 

[Exit Tom Caslleton.] 

Rich. Cast, (soliloquizing): — Well, things are looking 
lovely. Tinkleberry safe and captured, and the little 
French Count in the leash of Marie de Ginnilat. This 
reminds me of that distinguished lady's postscript. I must 
go at once to see the K. von K's. and S. D's., as Marie 
designates them. Mrs. K. v. K. gives a grand entertain- 
ment next week, I must induce her to call upon the De 
Smu — ha! ha! — gers and invite them to her select ball — 
if she does the S. D's. will follow suit — I will work the 
English Lord and French Count on her for all they are 
worth, for therein lies the weakness of these American aris- 
tocrats: most of them will bow down to a title — and when 
abroad they sigh even for the recognition of royalty. 



I 18 ] 

SCENE 3rd. 

Mr. Richard Castleton s dining room — The dinner just end- 
ed — Table spread with fruit and decanters — Lord Tiu- 
klcberry, Count Petit Pois, Tom Castleton and the host 
drinking old Madeira. 

Tink.:— Devilish good Madeira, Mr. Castleton. 

R. Cast.: — Yes, 'tis exquisite, not so very old either, 
not thirty years old yet — brought over from the island in 
1855; let me see, this is 1880, it is therefore twenty-five 
years old, is called grape juice, and at twenty years old 
is the best Madeira wine I ever put to my lips, a great deal 
better than wine which boasts of being fifty, sixty, seventy 
or eighty years old. 

Petit Pois: — C'est un grand vin de Madere — cis very 
goot. 

Tink. : — What did you say was the name of that soup 
that was so delicious. 

R. Cast. : — Cooter. 

Tink.: — Extr'ornary, rediclus, but nice, and what is 
a cooter and where does he live? 

R. Cast.: — He belongs to the terrapin family, but is 
larger than his salt water brother. He lives in fresh 
water at the South. 

Tink.:— Redi'clus. 

R. Cast.: — At my dinners I have only five courses; 
I despise the soupe maigres they have now at fashionable 
dinners, those kickshaws with which they spin out a din- 
ner to ten or twelve courses breed only dispepsia and dull- 
ness. I believe this has served to destroy all the pleasure 
of New York dinners. They are as dull as funerals, no 
general conversations; no wit, no humor, each man talk- 
ing only to his neighbor at table in a low voice. I feel 
sometimes like making a new departure at the first grand 
dinner I go to, by proposing a toast or two and even by 
proposing to sing a song, as in the olden times. 



[ i9 J 

Tinkle. : — That would be jolly, Mr. Richard. As it is 
true here so it is in England; a grand dinner of a great 
person in London is a most solemn and lugubrious affair. 

R. Cast. : — I remember when I was a youngster at 
home, I belonged to a hunting club; we hunted deer 
always with a fine pack of hounds during the day, and at 
sun-set repaired to the club-house to have a real hunts- 
man's dinner, wild turkey soup, a haunch of venison and 
some wild ducks or snipe, with the necessary accompani- 
ments; the wine was old Madeira. As soon as ihe cloth 
was removed there was a constant flow of wit and humor, 
with story, toast and man)' songs. I remember well a 
song that an old member used to sing which was an es- 
tablished favorite. 

Tinkle.: — Can't you give it to us; it will be some- 
thing new in these days of dullness, sing it for us. 

R. Cast, (sings) : — 

The Pope he leads a happy life, 
He has no cares or marriage strife; 
He drinks the best of Rhenish wine — 
I wish that his gay lot was mine. 
Chorus — Mine! 

(The next takes it up.) 

The Sultan better pleases me; 
He leads a life of jollity, 
Has wives as many as he will — 
I would the Sultan's throne then fill. 
Chorus— Fill! 

But yet he's not a happy man ; 
He must obey the Al Koran ; 
He dares not touch one drop of wine — 
I would not that his lot were mine. 
Chorus— Mine! 



[ 20 ] 

But here I take my steady stand 
On this my own, my native land; 
When 'ere my maiden kisses me 
I fancy I the Sultan be ; 
And when my cherry glass I tope 
I fancy that I am the Pope. 
Chorus: — Pope! 

Tinkle. :— Bravo! Bravo!! It is so jolly. If you will 
only do that at the grand dinner next week of the Spuyten 
Duyvels, to which we are invited, I will give you the best 
thorough-bred colt I have at home. It will create such an 
uprising and shaking up of the social dry bones. 

R. Cast. .-—Well, we will see; it will take a bold man 
to face society with such an innovation as that. 

Tinkle.: — Let us talk about breakfasts. I would not 
give one of Aunt Liddy's for all the dinners of the great 
folks here; her cornbread, rice johnny-cake and rice-waf- 
fles are a new sensation in life, the former in particular; 
as light as a sponge-cake and as wholesome as graham 
bread. I would like really to have an introduction to this 
great artist. 

R. Cast. : — Nothing easier. 

Tinkle. : — But my dear sir, she may be embarrassed 
to be brought into such company. 

R. Cast.: — Do not disturb yourself about that; no one 
has ever found the man or woman who can daunt her, she 
is the captain general of this establishment. (He rings for 
the elevater to descend, it is heard descending, the door 
opens and out steps Aunt Liddy, a perfectly huge woman 
weighing about three hundred pounds.) 

Aunt Liddy.: — Here I is, who want me? 

Tinkle.: — The devil ! Rediclus! What a stunner! A 
relation of Mr. Daniel Lambert, of my own country, if he 
has any African kindred. 



[ 21 ] 

Petit Pois: — Que'l monstre terrible! 

R. Cast.: — Well, Aunt Liddy, Lord Tinkleberry is 
so carried away with your breakfasts that he wants to be 
introduced to you. 

Tinkle.: — Allow me the honor to shake the hand of 
so great an artist. 

R. Cast. : — And here is Count Petit Pois, and my 
nephew Tom, just from home. 

Aunt Liddy: — Is dis my sister Dinah's chile and I 
not know he in dis house? How's Dinah and all at home? 

Tom Cast. : — Well and hearty. 

Aunt Liddy: — I 'm mighty glad; I aint hearn from 
any of 'em in twenty year or more, but Lord, I must hurry 
back and get ready for church. [Exit.] 

Petit Pois (rising): — You mos sexcuse me, Sare. (To 
R. Cast.) Madame de Smuger she look for me jus que 
a zis hour, I ver mooch oblige for your dinner an ze 
song of drink; ziz iss so funny. [Exit.] 

R. Cast. : — Lord Tinkleberry, please excuse my 
nephew and myself for a half an hour, while we go 
around the corner to see an old relative, mean time smoke 
one of these fine cabargas. 

scene 4th. 

Enter Dick :-Whar vou reckon de ole Boss gone to in sich 
a big hurry now? Dey mus be some er dem big arstoxy folks 
comin agin. He nebber go wid sich a rush cept some er 
dem's bout. Wen dat ere last ole Dook was hyar, Mars- 
ter try to break he neck for he — but Dook no good; I 
shine fer he all de time he bin dar an he gone back to 
Hoorup en nebber gib poor Dick so much as chaw terbak- 
er. (Turning to the table.) Lem me clean up dem hill 
tops — de ole boss call em dat. [He goes to the table and 
drains all the glasses.] 



[ 22 j 

[Tinkleberry, seated in a high back arm chair, sees 
the proceedings reflected in a large mirror.] 

Tinkle.: — Is this an optical delusion I see reflected in 
this mirror? It seems to me I observe a small darkey 
knocking off the heel taps of that old Madeira. 

[He goes on tiptoe and seizes Dick by the ear as the 
bibber is pouring out a glass from the decanter.] 

Tinkle.: — You audacious voung Ethiopian, what are 
you doing with that decanter? 

Dick:— Yow! Yow! Yow ! Oh! Mass Dook, hab 
pitty on poor little nigger, for de sake he poor ole mudder 
in de Souf. 

Tinkle. : — What would your old Master do with you 
if I should happen to tell him on you? 

Dick: — Lick me sure, en den gib me dollar to shut 
up; en I allers hollers till de dollar cum. 

Tinkle.: — You're a good un ! Where did you come 
from, anyhow? 

Dick : — Hardscrabble. 

Tinkle.: — By Jove, what a country! Hardscrabble! 
Where is that? 

Dick: — GeorgJ, in de Souf. 

Tikle.: — What will you do for me if I don't tell? 

Dick: — I gib you good shine ten times ebery day, 
and dance for you. 

Tinkle.: — Can you dance? 

Dick: — Git your banjo and see. 

[Tinkleberry fetches his banjo and Dick dances.] 

Dick:— You want see de burzard lope? 

Tinkle. :— Delighted to be introduced to such an ele- 
gant step. 

[Dick dances and exit.l 

Tinkle.: — I have an idea; I will get into the elevator, 
will hail to Aunt Liddy and tell her to be sure to cook me 
a whole cornbread for myself every morning. [Gets in 



[ 2 3 ] 

and calls up.] "Aunt Liddy." [The elevator ascends.] 
The devil ! Ridiclus!! [He disappears above.] 

scene 5th. 

Aunt Liddy 's Kitchen in the top story — Liddy holding the 
little French Tailor by the collar, shaking him. 

Enter Tinkleberry : — Why, Aunt Liddy, what are 
you shaking the very daylight out of that little man for? 
Who is he? 

Liddy :— 'Tis dat little French tailor who's up hyar 
making Marster Tommy's dress suit for him. I cotched 
him wukin on it this our blessed Lord's day; he's name 
Mounseer Snippo. 

Tinkle.: — What a monster of iniquity! [Turning to 
Snip.] How dare you, Frenchman, to insult the religi- 
ous sensibilities of this fair damsel? I do not believe you 
have any religion at all. Tell me the truth now, Monsieur 
Snippo, have you ever been to church since you landed in 
America? 

Snippo:— Milor Anglais, if I say I nevair been to ze 
cherche in America, ze peoples say I'ze von bad man; if 
I say ze odder 'way, zat I haf, zen I tell von grand lie. 

Aunt Liddy :— En he make love to me when ise read- 
ing of my testament, and say he want to marry me. 

Tinkle. :— Presumptous creature ! One of your arms, 
Aunt Liddy, is larger than his whole body. [Turns and 
sees a melodeon in a corner] Aunt Liddy, what is this 
here? 

Liddy : — 'Tis my magnolia. 

Tinkle.:— Ha! Ha!! That is a funny name for a 
melodeon. What do you do with it, Aunt Liddy? 

Liddy .-—Well, I sings the sperituble hymes out of my 
book with it. 

Tinkle.:— I would like vastly to hear one of those 
sperituble hymes. 



[ 2 4 ] 

Liddy : — Well, you must hear one. [She goes to me- 
lodeon, opens her music book and makes the most unearth- 
ly discord come forth.] 

Tinkle.: — Aunt Liddy, that will never do; let me 
finger the ivories for you. Snippo, can you sing? 

Snip.: — Trespeu — ver leetle. Monsieur. 

Tinkle.: — Well, come on; one good old Baptist 
hyme will put new celestial life into your atheistical little 
constitution. T^hey sing.] 

[The elevator descends again, Aunt Liddy, dressed 
for church, steps out, showing Tinkleberry plastered 
against the back. He gets out.] 

Tinkle.: — Aunt Liddy, by Jove! you came near 
squeezing me to death in that blarsced box. 

Liddy : — Well, you no bisness boder me, Mr. Huckle- 
berry ; I's goin to church. 

Tinkle.: — Why do you call me Huckleberry, Aunt 
Liddy, don't you know that I am Lord Tinkleberry in the 
peerage of England, and Viscount Heathergrouse in that 
of Scotland? 

Liddy: — I knows nothin about dat t'all, but dis I do 
know, I calls no man lord but my Lord and Master in 
Heaven. 

Tinkle.: — Rediclus! Astonishing! Never heard of 
such outrageous, radical talk. But Aunt Liddy, here's a 
sovereign for you [handing her the gold] to remind you 
that you take care of my inner man. 

Liddy: — Yes, I'll take care of you and your money 
and gib to my church to night. 

Tinkle.: — 'Tis too much, Aunt Liddy; give five 
shillings. 

Liddy: — Ebery cent. 

Tinkle.: — Ten shilling's enough. 



[ 25 ] 

Liddy : — Ebry shilling, the gold itself, must go, to 
bring de headen to His eternal grace. 

Tinkle (rushes back to the elevator and calls): — 
"Come down, Snippo, at once." [Elevator descends — 
enter Snip.] 

Tinkle.: — You must accompany this lady to church, 
if you aspire to her hand. Offer her your arm. [Aunt 
Liddy takes his arm and gives him her parasol, which he 
raises overhead and they go off the stage together.] 

Tinkle.:— Ha-ha-ha! What a lark— jolly ! What a 
tale I will make out of this when I get home! [Exit.] 

scene 6th. 

Tinkle.: — Well, Tom, where have you been the last 
two days? I've missed you awfully. 

Tom: — I've been in the country, my Lord. 

Tink. : — Lord me no lords; to you in future I am 
plain Jack Hawthorn, my family name, and you are Tom 
Castleton. 

Tom: — Have it as you wish, but in public and in my 
Uncle's presence you must allow me to use the dignity of 
name you are entitled to. To call you Jack in common 
would be considered a vulgar parade of my intimacy with 
you, and my Uncle would declare it an indecent famil- 
iar ty. 

Tinkle. (Leaning his arm on Tom's shoulder) : — Tom, 
you are a regular brick; you are just like one of us; 
where do you live when you are at home? 

Tom: — On my plantation in the South. 

Tinkle.: — Why, Tom, have you a plantation? 

Tom: — Indeed I have, and it is about the only thing 
I have got. 

Tinkle.: — Any hunting there? 

Tom: — Deer and foxes. 

Tinkle.: — Any shooting? 



[ 26 ] 

Tom: — Wild ducks and geese, wild turkeys, par- 
tridges, snipe and wood-cock. 

Tinkle.: — Glorious! Torn, we will go out there next 
winter — but I forgot, is there any cornbread out there like 
Aunt Liddy makes? 

Tom: — Nothing else handy: the people live on it, and 
my Aunt Dinah, Liddy's sister, cooks it as well as anybody. 

ACT 3rd. SCENE ISt. 

Enter Letitia (walking pensively: — Oh, Heaven! 
what an unhappy girl I am since this vile imposition was 
gotten up between the miserable little French Count and 
my mother! I feel so guilty whenever that nasty concoc- 
tion of a name, De Smuger, is called. T am almost deter- 
mined to retire from society altogether, on the plea of ill 
health. The presence of high-minded, honorable people 
is such a reproach to me, as a party to this wicked deceit, 
that I can hardly restrain my tears. It is impossible for 
me to live such a life of torture longer; rather will I im- 
mure myself in a convent. 

Enter Count Petit Pois: — Oh! Mademoiselle, I ver 
happy fine you toute seule, wiz nobody. I long complain 
to your moder zat I have chagrin of you. You go vay — 
ron ven you see von Franch nobleman, gentilhomme from 
von tousan year back. [Letitia silent and with face avert- 
ed.] Vot? Not one vord for me? Ah! I see; she si 
modeste, peutetre, she lof me. [Going down on one knee.] 
Divine Mees Litish, I leave la Belle Fiance, I cross de 
big sea, all to tell zat I loff you so much, an I am in ze 
dost at ze foot of you to get ze heart and ze hand of you. 
Gif me zat lofly hand for ze kiss of me. [Attempts to 
take her hand — Letitia turns upon him with her eyes blaz- 
ing with passion.] 

Letitia: — Vile wretch and imposter, do not dare to 
touch me. [Count arises, reaches out to catch her hand.] 



[ 27 ] 

Detestable little French monkey — monkey, I say, not man ; 
put but the weight of your ringer upon me and I will slap 
your smirking little French face and drive you from this 
house. Did you ever suppose I could love such a gri- 
macing clown as you? You little schemer have crept, like 
a slimy, venomous toad, into our family — have taken ad- 
vantage of my mother's vanity and foolish desire to be 
considered noble. You will be the cause, little monster, 
of our great humiliation one day, and as for myself, j'ou 
have made me shed bitter tears, for which I hate and de- 
test you. [Goes to the footlights.] This horrid little crea- 
ture exasperates me and stirs my southern blood so vvildlv 
that in his presence I lose my temper and forget I am a 
lady. 

Count (aside): — Ah! von grande virago, eh? Veil, 
I manech heire ven 1 will be in ze grande Chateau de 
Hautes Legumes, in France. Ecoutez, Mademoiselle, 
listen. In tree day you most be mine; your moder is 
promis, an your fader Peder mos gib ze dot, vot you call 
dowry en Anglish, two hundred tousand dollair. We mos 
go in ze firs steamair to my Chateau de Haute Legumes, 
and ze dollairs of Smug — ha! ha! — shall buy zat castle 
back. If you not haf me, I'se expose ze name De Smu- 
ger as hombog en frod. I gib ze reportair vot you call 
ze news. Ha! ha! De Smuger! Vot vour great fren 
Madame Kill von Kull en de oders say bout zat? 

Letitia: — Do your worst, execrable little villain; I do 
not fear you. If there is a spark of honor in you, you 
would rid us of your presence in this house this very in- 
stant. [Exit Count.] 

Letitia (weeping): — Oh! What have I done to be so 
sorely punished? How can I bear the load of grief which 
oppresses me? To whom can I turn for comfort and 
advice ! 



! 28 ] 
i 

[Enter servant with card — hands to Letitia, who reads 
out]: — "Lord Tinkleberry and Mr. Thomas Castleton/' 

Letitia: — Let me fly to my room to wash away my 
scalding tears. [To the servant.] Show the gentlemen 
in, and say I will attend in a minute. [Exit — Enter 
Tom and Tinkleberry.] 

Tinkleberry: — Elegant mansion — beautiful furniture. 

Tom: — Not nearly so beautiful as the young mistress 
of the house is. I have eyes for nothing else save her. 
[Enter Mrs. De Smuger and Letitia.] 

Tom: — Lord Tinkleberry, allow me to introduce you 
to Madame Marie Ginnilat De Smuger. 

Tinkle, (aside): — What a name! It smells of French 
bombast. 

Tom: — Miss Letitia De Smuger. 

Letitia (aside): — Bah! That name again! I nearly 
faint when I hear its sickening -sound. [She bows low to 
Lord Tinkleberry, to hide her blushes and confusion.] 

Tinkle, [moves quickly to the footlights] (aside): — By 
Jove! what a lovely creature; she fairly takes my breath 
away at first sight. She puts me in mind of Lady Hester 
Stanhope, at home, the reigning toast of England, Ireland 
and Scotland, but the fair American is far more beautiful. 

Madame de S. : — Oh! my Lord, I feel so honored in 
making your acquaintance. You lately arrived in this 
country, I learn. I do not see how one of the English 
aristocracy can ever leave that charming country to tread 
on this plebeian soil. The society in which you live must 
be the social heaven of the world. 

Tinkle.: — I had never noticed anything heavenly 
about it. English people of birth are no better than others 
of refinement and education ; in many instances not so 
good. 

Madame de S. : — I have a great curiosity to know 
what they call your Lordship at home in yourown family. 



[ 29 j 

Tinkle.: — Easily gratified, your curiosity. They call 
me Jack. 

Madame de S.: — Heavens! What sacrilege! 

Tinkle.: — Yes, and what's more, my mother and sis- 
ters do not show me the slightest reverence as the head of 
the house, but they drive me about and bully me as they 
please. 

Enter the Count (Faces the audience): — Ha! zat a 
damme Tom here. I hate him by ze sight; I sink he 
my rival. I call him out, ron him troo wiz mon epee, 
vat ze damme English call sord. 

Tinkle.: — Well, Monsieur Le Conte, I am glad to 
see you here, domesticated in this charming family. How 
were you so fortunate? 

Count: — I ze fren of Madame de Smuger; zey ows 
me grande obligation in France; zey nobody I gif zem ze 
entree in societe. I am ze French nobleman, ze Petit 
Pois zey date back to Charlemagne, eh? 

Tinkle.: — But the De Smugers were also of noble 
blood before they emigrated to America? Is it not so? I 
understood you to tell me so? 

Count: — Well, Milor Tinkleberry, every famille 
have ze secret, vat you call skeleton in ze closet — and 
ze De Smugers — ha-ha! — have zere own. 

Letitia [in the greatest excitement — aside]: — Mother, 
do you hear what that little viper is saying to Lord Tinkle- 
berry? He dared to propose marriage to me this morn- 
ing, and when I rejected him with scorn, he threatened 
me to expose the base sham under which we daily move 
in society. He is about to carry out his threat. I cannot 
stand this any more. Let me fly to my home in the South 
and take back our own honest name. Here I live in per- 
petual trepidation. 

Madame de S. : — Wait; I will fix him. [Advances to 
the Count and whispers:] What are you talking about, 



Monsieur Le Conte? Don't forget that thousand dollars 
you got from my husband under false pretences; if you 
say a word more you go to jail, you hear? 

Count: — Oui, Madame; I obev ze word of you. 
TTakes Lord Tinkleberry aside.] Milor Tinkleberry, ze 
famille of ze De Smuger es noble; zey iz of de Hugue- 
nots. 

Tinkle.: — Well, Count, Huguenot or whatever they 
are, the daughter is high enough and lovely enough to 
wear a coronet. 

Servant announces: — Mrs. Kill von Kull and Mr. 
Richard Castleton. 

Enter Mrs. K. v. K. [advances to Mrs. deS.]: — Per- 
mit me, Mrs. de Smuger, to congratulate you on your 
being domesticated in Fifth Avenue. How are you pleased 
on your return to America? 

Mrs. de S.: — A new country and a new people can 
never interest. No history but vile politics, no characters 
but demagogues, no names, no estates, no castles and no 
titled families; the very guillotine in France is interesting, 
because it has run red with the blood of royalty and of the 
nobles of France. 

R. Cast, (aside): — Marie de Ginnilat is soaring aloft 
in the heaven of her aristocratic connection in France. 
She will be among the royal family in a little while. [Tak- 
ing Letitia by the hand he advances with her to Mrs. 
K. v. K.] I had forgotten, Mrs. Kill von Kull, to intro- 
duce the young lady of the house, Miss Letitia, a fair and 
modest flower of her own South. 

Mrs. K. v. K. (taking the hand of Letitia): — Why, 
Miss Letitia, it gives me so much pleasure to know you. 
Report has not exaggerated your charms. 

Letitia (blushing and bowing low): — I thank you 
much, Mrs. Kill von Kull; you compliment me too much, 
however 



[ 3i J 

[Enter Pierre de Smuger and Count Petit Pois.] 

De Smuger: — Well, everything is lovely in Wall 
Street. Stocks are booming. Box, Cox & Smug — 

Mrs. de S. (interrupting sternly): — Peter! What are 
you talking about? [Aside.] Great Heaven! I am as 
bad as he is, with my Peter. 

Pierre de S.: — Well, as I was saying, Box, Cox and 
De Smuger were too smart to be caught on that turn 
yesterday. 

Mrs. K. v. K. [to Richard Castleton]: — What a hor- 
rid place this New York is! Every man, no matter what 
his fortune may be, is in some way or other connected with 
the Street, and all polite society is invaded by the slanor of 
the gamblers of the day. Refined conversation is broken 
in on by the shop! the shop! the shop! Mr. Richard, 
you are the only one who never talks such jargon. 

R. Cast.: — You but repeat, Mrs. Kill von Kull, the 
remark of all society people in England on the same sub- 
ject, and I fear if you make it the test of refinement that 
we drop the shop, we will have no society at all. [Noise 
and commotion behind the scenes.] 

Enter Aunt Liddy (brandishing a waffle iron ) : — Whew ! 
1'se all over of a heat. Why, if hyar is'nt all these fine 
ladies! Your sarvant, ladies. 

Mrs. K. v. K. (aside): — How barbarous these South- 
erners are, with their eternal niggers! 

Mrs. de S.: — Leave the room, you black wretch! 

R. Cast.: — Liddy, what on earth are you doing here? 
Liddy: — Marster Dick, you yo'sef sont me hyar to 
teach dese folks how to make rice waffles, rice johnny- 
cake, corn bread and hoe-cake, becase Huckleberry he 
love um. Dey's got a little whiple snaple Frenchman 
down dere with paper cap on he head, they call him Jeff — 
he insult me. 



I 32 I 

Tinkle.: — How did such a villain dare to insult you, 
Aunt Liddy? Are you sure they called him Jeff? Wasn't 
it Chef? 

Liddy: — Don' no nuttin tall about dat. Cheff or Jeff 
all the same to me. He shan't abuse my wuk if he was 
Jeff Davis himself. 

Tinkle.: — Let us know what he did and said. 

Liddy : — Well, Marster Huckleberry — 

Mrs. de S. : — This is getting awful ; my guest, a noble- 
man, being exposed to such ribald talk in my house. 
[Tinkleberry and the others laugh.] 

All:— Good! Splendid. 

Petit Pois: — Bien amusant, fonny. 

Liddy: — Well, my Marster Dick sont me to dis here 
fine house to larn the cook how to make dose breads we 
brag on in de Souf. Jeff he was dar struttin about like a 
turkey cock a smoking of a paper segar. He cum whar 
I was wuking and turn up his nose like a little poodle 
dog; he say, zis is gross shirtee, not fit for chien — dog to 
eat, hucks for ze swine. I couldn't stan dat, I run him 
out he own kitchen with dis hot waffle iron. 

Tinkle.: — Ladies and gentlemen, you must excuse 
the rough ways of Aunt Liddy; she is a great artist. The 
secrets of her kitchen I will carry back to Sawney Castle 
to be there reproduced if possible. 

Mrs. K. v. K.: — Well, Aunt Liddy, you shall come 
to my house to teach my cook the secrets of your art, and 
there shall be neither Jeffs nor Cheffs to enterfere with 
you. 

[Curtain.] 



SCENE 2nd. 

The drawing-room of Mrs. Kill von Kull — She, magnifi- 
cently dressed, with splendid diamonds on, receiving, 
with another lady and Mr. Richard Castletcn — Enter 
Mrs. Marie de Smiiger trinmpliant, with Lord Tinkle- 
berry and the Count on either hand, folhnvcd by Tom 
Castlcton and Lctitia — They advance to the hostess. 

R. Cast.: — Mrs. Kill von Kull, permit me to present 
to you again Lord Tinkleberry, a young friend, who 
brings me a letter of introduction from the Duke of Suth- 
erland. You remember you entertained his Grace so beau- 
tifully in this house when he was last in America. 

Mrs. K. v. K. — I am delighted, my Lord, to welcome 
you to our country, our city and this poor house of ours; 
make it your home while you are with us. 

R. Cast.: — Allow me also to present Count Ferdinand 
de Petit Pois Harricot, from la belle France. 

Mrs. K. v. K. : — Monsieur le Conte, it gives me more 
than pleasure to see a gentleman from your gay and lovely 
country, where I formerly spent so many happy years. 

R. Cast. : — And again I present Miss Letitia de Smu- 
ger and my nephew and adopted son, Mr. Thomas 
Castleton. 

Mrs. K. v. K.: — As the others have passed on, I can 
shake hands with you two young people; with Miss Le- 
titia because she looks so very lovely this evening, and 
with Mr. Thomas because our fore-fathers were not 
strangers when Washington was camped at King's Bridge, 
and with him I merely renew a former family intimacy. 

Petit Pois (aside to Madame Marie): — I ver mad wiz 
Monsieur Richard. 

Mrs. M.: — What did he do to you? 

Petit Pois: — He put ze Milor Anglais first, when he 



I 34 I 

presenter to Madame Kill von Kull. Tinkleberry one lee- 
tle parvenu apres ze grande famille de Petit Pois. Harri- 
cot — zat is noble famille from ze time of Charlemagne. 
Zis is one grand insolt of Monsieur Richard, for vich I 
mos have de satisfaction. 

Madame Marie (aside to Mr. Richard) : — The Count 
is terribly offended with you because you presented the 
English Lord to Mrs. Kill von Kull first. He thinks it a 
great insult and says he must have satisfaction. 

Rich Cast. : — Did that little French jackanapes tell 
you that? If he comes to me on such an errand I will 
surely pull his nose. But no; on your account I will not. 
I will ask Mrs. Kill von Kull to give him the first dance; 
that will soothe his wounded feelings. 

[They all repair to the ball room and the music 
begins.] 

Tinkle, (aside to Richard) : — I have to dance with 
Miss Spuyten Duyvel and I learn that she is very literary 
and devoted to antiquities. What is it they call their 
Dutch ancestry? Nackerbocklers? 

Rich. Cast.: — For heaven's sake, don't make such a 
blunder! Knickerbockers. It is considered to be very 
blue blood hereabouts, such as the Howards, Cavendish, 
Grosvenor and others in your own country. There are 
plenty of people to bow down to them on this side of the 
water, as in England so many do to the great families 
there. 

Tinkle.: — Ridiclus! Impossible! Why I never so 
much as heard the name before I came over here, but I 
suppose every country must make its own aristocracy. 

[They dance — Mrs. Kill von Kull with the Count, 
Miss Spuyten Duyvel with Lord Tinkleberry, and Letitia 
with Tom Castleton. They change partners, and finally 
Tom carries out Mrs. Kill von Kull. She whispers as 
they go round.] 



[ 35 ] 

Mrs. K. v. K.: — Oh, Mr. Castleton, how beautifully 
you dance! It is really a pleasure to dance with you. 
With that little Frenchman just now I felt as if I was 
dancing with a man of cork and he was about to fly away. 
You know how Englishmen dance, so I need not speak of 
the other aristocratic performer. Have you a partner for 
the German? 

Tom : — No one. 

Mrs. K. v. K. : — Then I propose to be selfish tonight 
and appropriate you for myself. 

Tinkle, (to Rich. Cast.): — Who is that ugly but gen- 
teel looking middle aged man in the corner yonder! He 
seems to know no one here. 

Rich. Cast, (whispering): — The master of the house. 

Tinkle.: — The deuce! Rediculous! Married a young, 
beautiful and gay wife. He looks as if he was at a funer- 
al. I've seen many such cases in our own society at 
home. 

Rich. Cast.: — It will be a graceful thing if you seek 
an introduction to him yourself, for he will never do so 
with you. [He takes up Lord Tinkleberry and introduces 
him.] 

Mr. K. v. K. : — It is very polite in you, my Lord, to 
think of me, for I seem to be the only stranger in my own 
house. 

Tinkle.: — Delighted to know so distinguished a gen- 
tleman in literature and the fine arts, and hope we will 
become so much better acquainted. 

Mrs. K. v. K. (to Tom): — Will wonders never cease? 
There is my husband talking to Lord Tinkleberry. That 
can be nobody's work but your kind old Uncle's. It 
seems to be his greatest delight to make people happy in 
society. He has put new life into Mr. K. 

Mrs. Marie (to Lord T.): — How can you get on in 
this horrid, dull country, my Lord, after your grand life 
in ancestral halls? 



I 36 ] 

Lord Tinkle.: — Jolly! Tom Castleton and myself 
are happy as clams at high water. He is a regular brick. 
Rides, shoots, dances and does everything well and grace- 
fully. 

[A musical clock rings out the hour of 12. The 
guests called into the drawing room to hear a duet by two 
operatic singers. A curtain of blueish silver gauze drawn 
over the entrance to the ball room. The duet sung. The 
curtain falls back and discloses fifty small tables for six 
persons each. Exquisite china, flowers, bottles, decanters 
and an elegantly dressed waiter for each table.] 

They all cry out: — Grand! Manificent! Like magic! 
Who is the inventor of this fine art? 

Mrs. K. v. K. (leading Mr. Richard by the hand): — 
I present him to you — the hero of this social triumph. 

Rich Cast, (to Mrs. K. v. K.): — Hereafter no one in 
New York will dare to give a ball without a ballroom in 
which to imitate our new departure. A blessed relief 
from crowded rooms and a jam of perspiring people. 
[Aside.] Poor Peter Smug! I pity him. The light of 
tomorrow's sun will hardly be shining before the masons 
and carpenters will be covering the whole of his back yard 
with a ball room, so that there cannot be left visible a 
patch of ground as large as my pocket handkerchief; and 
if the stable escapes demolition I will be surprised. 

TABLEAU. 

The guests at supper in the ball-room. 

SCENE 3rd. 

Mr. Richard Castleton s quarters — Enter Rich. Castleton, 
Lord Tinkleberry and Tom. 

R. Cast.: — Well, here is the middle of July and I 
must be off in a Cunarder by the first of next week for the 
other side. Can I not persuade you, Lord Tinkleberry, 
to go back? 



[ 37 '] 

Tinkle.: — Oh, no! Tom and I will tough it out here, 
make this our headquarters and pay occasional visits to 
Saratoga, Niagara, Newport and perhaps other places. 
You, Mr. Richard, go straight to Sawney Castle and take 
possession of it as your own. I wrote my steward last 
week to receive you and treat you as if the Prime Minister 
of Great Britain had arrived. There are horses, carriages. 
gillies, dogs, guns and fishing tackle, and a passable 
cellar of wines. Fill up the house with as many people 
as you please, visit all your friends, and when the shootino- 
is over, return to find Tom and me dominated by Aunt 
Liddy. 

Rich. Cast.: — Have it as you will. Tom, I have put 
some money to your credit in the Fifth Avenue Bank. 

[Ex eunt omnes.] 

ACT 4th. SCENE ISt. 

Newport — Mrs. Kill von KuWs beautiful morning rooms 
looking out on the sea — Mrs. K. v. K. elegantly attired 
sitting in an easy chair awaiting the arrival of her 
gu ests — En ter L etitia . 

Mrs. K. v. K. : — My sweet Letitia, I am always best 
pleased when you are with me. I have not seen you be- 
fore, this morning. 

Letitia: — That is so good of you to say so, Mrs. Kill 
von Kull. 

[Enter Tom Castleton, Lord Tinkleberry and Miss 
Spuyten Duyvel.] 

Mrs. K. v. K.: — How kind of you all to come; and 
what a cosey little party we will have this morning. How 
do you like Newport, my Lord? [To Tinkleberry.] And 
how does it compare with the seashore places of your own 
country? 

Tinkle.: — Superior to any of them ; because gentility 
seems to be concentrated here and the vulgar herd of cities 
shut out. The town, too, is a quaint old place and the 



[ 38 j 

people very primitive. Would you believe it — none of 
them could tell me-the origin of the old stone mill which 
stands in the square near here? It seems to me strange 
in any people not to preserve the traditions of their coun- 
try. In Great Britain we have some kind of history or 
tradition for every old ruin. 

Tom Cast. : — A young people are always careless of 
history. I can tell you something stranger than that, and 
about a Rhode Island man, Gen. Nathaniel Green. It is 
well known that next to Washington he ranks first in the 
affections of the people of the United States; yet where he 
lies buried is unknown. The State of Georgia, at the con- 
clusion of the Revolutionary War, bought for him a plan- 
tation on the Savannah river, not ten miles above the 
city, and there he lived, and there he died in 1786, yet no 
man can point out his grave. 

Miss Spuyten Duyvel (the literary lady): — Not at all 
to be wondered at. We have a like instance in ancient 
history, with even a greater man. When Cicero was 
quaestor and visited the island of Sicily, coming to the 
city of Syracuse, he asked for the grave of Archimedes, 
the great geometrician, and no one, not even the magis- 
trates of the town, knew of such a grave. 

Mrs. K. v. K.: — We are getting very literary, and 
have gotten back into ancient times. I think we had bet- 
ter jump to something lighter; poetry, for instance. 
Come, Lord Tinkleberry, I am sure you can repeat some- 
thing in that line for us; on love and constancy, for 
example. 

Tinkle. : — My dear sweet hostess, you have showered 
so much of pleasure and hospitality on me, I would do 
anything in my power to please you, but you are speaking 
to the most unpoetical being that ever lived. I cannot 
speak about love, as I have never loved, and conse- 
quently have no knowledge of the virtue of constancy. 



[ 39 1 

Mrs. K. v. K.: — Oh! You must have read some- 
thing that you remember bearing on the divine passion. 

Tinkle.: — I know only one piece, kind lady, but it 
always struck me as most beautiful on account of its sweet- 
ness and simplicity; it is Mr. Gay's "Sweet William's 
Farewell to Black-eyed Susan." 

All : — Repeat it please, my Lord. 
Tinkle. : — All in the Downs the fleet was moored, 
The streamers waving in the wind, 
When black-eyed Susan came aboard: 
Oh! where shall I my true love find? 
Tell me, ye jovial sailors, tell me true, 
If my sweet William sails among the crew. 
William, who high upon the yard 
Rock'd with the billows to and fro, 
Soon as her well known voice he heard 
He sighed and cast his eyes below; 
The cord slides swiftly through his glowing 

hands, 
And, quick as lightning, on the deck he stands. 

***** 
So the sweet lark, high pois'd in air, 
Shuts close his pinions to his breast, 
If chance his mate's shrill call he hear, 
And drops at once into her nest. 
The noblest captain in the British fleet 
Might envy William's lip those kisses sweet. 

***** 
O Susan, Susan, lovely dear! 
My vows shall ever true remain. 
Let me kiss off that falling tear; 
We only part to meet again. 
Change as ye list, ye winds, my heart shall be 
The faithful compass that still points to thee. 
[He recites the concluding verses.] 



[ 40 1 

All : — Charming ! Beautiful ! 

Miss Letitia: — Yes, and no one who recites it with so 
much feeling and expression can have a heart insensible 
to love. 

Tinkle.: — I bow most profoundly to you for that. 
[Turning to Letitia. J 

Mrs. K. v. K. : — As we have had poetry, next akin 
is music. Is there anyone here who can sing? Are we 
all destitute of the divine art? 

Tom Cast. : — Lord Tinkleberry undoubtedly possesses 
that accomplishment. 

All the ladies: — Is that so? How has he concealed 
it from us so long? 

Tom: — The native diffidence of a Scotchman from 
the Highlands. 

All: — Please, my Lord, sing us something, never 
mind how simple. 

Tinkleberry (sings): — 

In the land of the stranger if e'er thou shoulds't roam, 

Though thy pathway by joys be en wreathed, 

If the song or the strain thou hast once heard at 

home 
By the lip of the stranger be breathed, 
It will come o'er thine ear like a storm in the night; 
Though the songs of the gay may surround thee, 
It will wither thy joys, and its echo will blight 
The mirth and the revelry round thee, 
For remembrance is like the needle that guides 
The wandering mariner forth ; 
Though the ship may be tossed by the winds and 

by tides 
The needle still points to the North. 

[Great applause.] 



[ 4i ] 

Mrs. K. v. K.: — Young people, it is time now to take 
a walk on the cliffs, or those who prefer to read or write, 
the library is at their service. 

scene 2nd. 

Letitia and Thomas Castleton walking slozvly along the 
Cliffs. 

Letitia: — What a wonderful prospect of solemn gran- 
deur and beauty is this of the great ocean lying at our feet, 
stretching away until it touches the distant sky; how life- 
giving is the breeze which here sweeps over the ever heav- 
ing bosom of the sea! 

Tom: — This gentle air, whether laden with the heal- 
ing balm which it gathers as it skims over the waters, or 
as Notus, the south wind, flying out from the classic 
cave of Virgil, the effect has been to put a new tint of 
beauty on that lovely face. 

Letitia: — Oh, Mr. Castleton, please do not so flatter 
me. 

Tom: — I am incapable of that, which at last is but 

the essence of refined deceit. 

Letitia: — Yet in looking out upon that restless plain 
of moving waters, there is always a sweet melancholy, a 
tender sadness; a yearning after something better beyond 
comes over us. It must have been impressed with this 
sentiment the great poet wrote: 

Roll on, thou deep and dark blue ocean, roll! 
Ten thousand fleets sweep over thee in vain; 
Man marks the earth with ruin — his control 
Stops with the shore ; upon the watery plain 
The wrecks are all thy deed, nor doth remain 
A shadow of man's ravage save his own, 
Where for a moment, like a drop of rain, 
He sinks into the depths with bubbling groan, 
Without a grave, unknelled, uncoffined and un- 
known. 



[ 42 1 

Letitia: — It seems to me those lines were written by 
the poet to show the littleness of this life, and how his 
own life had ended in a sad failure. I have an echo 
already in my young heart for such a sentiment. 

Tom: — Oh, how happy it makes me to hear you 
speak thus and to know that you have a soul so far above 
the gay butterflies of society, but when you say that you 
too are oppressed with melancholy, I am indeed deeply 
grieved. If you are sad, Letitia, know that I am doubly so. 

Letitia (with a start of surprise): — How, Sir? I do 
not understand. 

Tom: — Because, sweetest and fairest of thy sex, I 
cannot, I dare not, speak. 

Letitia: — You still talk in riddles, Mr. Castleton. 

Tom: — You must know, fair Letitia, but for the dif- 
ference of our situations in this world I should have long 
since laid bare to you my heart — have disclosed to you 
that which you may have ere this at least suspected — the 
sincere, true, holy, unselfish love for you which possesses 
and consumes me. 

Letitia (in agitation): — Oh! Spare me this, Mr. 
Castleton. 

Tom: — You are the only daughter of a rich man, I 
am poor, the possessor of but an humble home in the far 
South. I am, under such circumstances, too proud to ask 
your hand in marriage or even to urge unconquerable love 
as my excuse. 

Letitia (shrinking back): — Mr. Castleton, you have 
indeed given me a surprise. 

Tom: — Please do not allow what has passed from 
my lips to annoy or excite you ; it came forth unbidden 
from me, the genuine outburst of a love which could not 
be repressed; for the first and last time it has been 
spoken. 



[ 43 1 

Letitia: — Oh, Sir, do not think me heartless that I an- 
swer neither yea nor nay to what you have said. My un- 
fortunate situation is such as to preclude the possibility of 
my thinking of such matters at all. I will confide in you 
so far as to say that there is a dire misfortune impending 
over our family which sooner or later is sure to descend on 
our heads and sink us in disgrace. 

- Tom: — Now it is my turn to be surprised and sorely 
shocked at your distress. 

Letitia: — Do not think I exaggerate, Sir; I assure 
you . I have no moment of happiness left me; there is a 
terror which follows me everywhere. In the gayest com- 
pany it will in an instant rise up to dismay and drive all 
joy from my life. [Letitia weeps.] 

Tom: — Then rather than suffer such tortures of the 
mind, fly with me to my humble home. There, secure 
from scorn or malice, you will rest in the protecting arms 
of a loving husband. This dire trouble of which you 
speak shall be put aside forever, and become as unknown 
as the heartless world in which you now live. 

Letitia: — No, Sir; many thanks; it cannot be. I 
must bear my burthen alone until the climax of my distress 
will be reached, and then I shall simply disappear. 
[Exeunt.] 

SCENE 3rd. 

Room in hotel — Tinkleberry strumming on a banjo, hum- 
ming and whistling tunes — Enter Tom walking slowly, 
dejected and melancholy . 
Tinkle.: — Hallo, Tom! Why, what is the matter? 

You look as if you had lost everything in the world. 

Tom (aside): — Shall I confide in him? I think I can; 

he is so honest and true. (To Tinkle.) Ah! Jack, I am 

ruined. 

Tinkle.: — Why? Has the farm busted up and Mose 

and Josh deserted? 



L 44 J 

Tom: — Oh! no; it is not for worldly matters I grieve; 
my loss is of what I had hoped to gain, the love of the 
purest and sweetest of womankind. 

Tinkle. : — Now you interest me, old fellow. Give 
me all your confidence, for although I have no experience 
in affairs of the heart, I love greatly to hear of them, from 
others. 

Tom: — Walking on the cliffs this morning with Miss 
Letitia, without any purpose of saying a word on the sub- 
ject of love, she looked so ravishingly beautiful, her eyes 
were so melting with sentiment and tenderness and her lips 
were giving forth words indicative of so much of elevated 
thought, that in an instant the love long repressed in my 
heart came of its own force rushing forth and revealed all 
I had hoped to conceal. 

Tinkle. : — Well, what happened then? 

Tom: — She answered me only with thanks and dis- 
tress and tears; she said it was impossible, and ended with 
this startling disclosure, that there is some dire disaster 
impending over the De Smuger family which sooner or 
later must descend on them, one and all, and cast them 
down into deep disgrace and humiliation. 

Tinkle.: — Wonderful! Rediclus! 

Tom: — Can you imagine what this awful calamity is? 

Tinkle: — Probably her old man has been swindling 
in Wall Street on a large scale. 

Tom: — I do not think that is the trouble. You know 
her mother departed for France, under my Uncle's charge 
as far as London, and she took that beggarly French 
Count with her. The pretext is for Madame de Smuger 
to see if she can raise the mortgages on the Chateau de 
Haute Legumes with her husband's hard earned dollars. 

Tinkle.: — She will have a merry time trying to find 
Hautes Legumes, I imagine. 



L 45 ] 

Tom: — In my opinion, Letitia suspects an intrigue 
between her mother and Petit Pois that causes her delicate, 
sensitive nature to revolt against the exposure, if her con- 
jecture prove to be true. 

Tinkle. : — I do not believe that is so. I have watched 
Mother De Smuger closely. She has no place in her 
heart for love. She is absorbed with two grand passions, 
vanity and a desire to shine among the nobility, notwith- 
standing French nobility has been wiped out by a guillo- 
tine and two revolutions. 

Tom: — She is staying, you are aware, with Mrs. Kill 
von Kull until her mother's return. She informed me 
that she would not be at the dinner this evening, at which 
we are both expected. 

Tinkle. : — The charm of the entertainment then will 
be gone for both of us. 

[Curtain.] 

ACT 5th. SCENE ISt. 

New York — Mrs. De Smuger s Parlor — Letitia alone 
reading. 

Servant (announces): — My Lord Tinkleberry. 

[Letitia arises to welcome him, and ofTers her hand,] 

Tinkleberry: — Fair young lady, I cannot express to 
you my delight at seeing you once more in New York, 
after the summer spent away. 

Letitia: — I am so much obliged to you, my Lord; you 
must know how much the presence of yourself and young 
Mr. Castleton in Newport added to our happiness at that 
charming place. 

Tinkle.: — And I can truly respond that to my visit 
there I owe a joy supreme in the chance given me to know 
intimately one like yourself, possessed of so many charms 
both personal and social. 



[ 46 ] 

Letitia (bowing low) :— My Lord, your praises of me 
I know are honest and sincere, for if my judgment of you 
be not at fault, no sentiments else can fall from your lips, 
but I am sure you have placed me too high. 

Tinkle. : — The main purpose of my coming to this 
country is to see the South, the home of Lee, Jackson and 
Hampton. It has become, with us, already the scene of 
the romantic in history. In the hereafter, no doubt, some 
genius of fiction will make the events and men and wo- 
men of the past there live again, as Scott has done with 
our beloved Hie-lands. 

Letitia:— -Kind Sir, you have touched a very tender 
spot in my heart when you speak such feeling words of 
my home. You are a Scot and a Highlander, or you 
might not understand how we all love that far away coun- 
try. God grant I may soon be there again. 

Tinkle. : — I am indeed surprised to hear the acknowl- 
edged belle of New York society give utterance to such a 
wild desire. 

Letitia: — I expect, my Lord, if we could only have 
an internal view, there would be laid bare many an aching 
heart 'mid the brilliant throng called society. 

Tinkle.: — There is nothing, in my opinion, which so 
adorns a woman as love of home and country; it is the 
cap which sets off all her other virtues and excellences. 
You cannot be surprised then when I come to declare a 
love excited, for the first time, in my barren heart. 

Letitia: — Oh! my Lord, I am filled with astonish- 
ment and confusion. 

Tinkle. : — I would not have you so, fair lady. Do not 
think I am here because fortune has placed me in an ex- 
alted station. I come as an humble suitor to solicit your 
hand in marriage. 

Letitia: — Your frank and honest proposal to an inex- 



[ 47 ] 

perienced girl, my Lord, is wholly unexpected. I thank 
you, however, deeply for the great honor you proffer me. 

Tinkle.: — I have a dear mother, in Scotland, and two 
charming sisters; they will, I know, welcome you to our 
home with more of warmth and affection than the highest 
lady of title in Great Britain, because but to see and know 
you will show how happy has been my choice. 

Letitia : — My Lord, you cannot conceive how much I 
feel honored. It is not on account of your rank and title, 
but because you have already won my esteem, admiration, 
and indeed friendship, in a degree no other stranger ever 
has. 

Tinkle. : — Thank you, sweetest Letitia, a thousand 
times; your esteem I value; your friendship I will treasure 
alway, but it is not that: it is your love in return for mine 
I seek. 

Letitia: — I must be candid with you, my Lord; you 
deserve it at my hands. I would not deceive you with 
false hopes, and I trust my answer will not give you pain; 
I am obliged to decline your offer, as brilliant as it is, for 
the simple reason that my affections, if I have in my sad 
life any to give, became, sometime since, the property of 
another, who I am sure does not even know of the favor 
he has found in my affections. 

Tinkle.: — Alas! It is as I expected. Indeed I had 
never but half hope of success. It is a dire disaster to me 
to have a new-found extatic sentiment of love cast back 
unanswered and unrequited. My disappointment, how- 
ever, will make no change in my sentiments or conduct 
toward you; I shall hope on and nurse the passion now 
made known to you, respectfully and kindly awaiting the 
time when perhaps some chance may give a happier turn 
to my suit. [Aside.] Who the deuce can she have bestowed 
her affection upon? It cannot be Tom; she has already 
refused him. Can it be possible she loves that detestible 



[ 4« ] 

Petit Pois? If I could think so meanly of her as that, 
every trace of love I bear her would vanish in an instant. 
I will rather believe it is some dark-eyed Creole lover in 
Louisiana, in whose possession she left her troth before 
either Tom or I were happy enough to know her. 

[Exit Tinkleberry.] 

Letitia : — Heaven and earth ! What have I in my 
rashness done? Do I throw aside a destiny so exalted, 
without a thought? I can almost feel the coronet blazing 
with jewels on my brow! I can see myself at that court, 
reckoned the highest and purest of all nations, taking rank 
with the first peeresses in the land. Oh! what a tempta- 
tion for a young girl! He is also a young gentleman so 
kind, amiable and refined; he recommends himself to 
every one who knows him. I am more attracted to him 
myself than to all others of his sex save only one. I am 
not bound to Castleton by any tie; I have made him no 
promise; indeed I have rejected him and his poor man's 
lot! Am I not free to make my own choice? Alas! poor 
Tom, it is well for us both that we together walked on the 
cliffs at Newport. It was in a happy moment when your 
love unbidden rushed to your lips. Should a pure maiden, 
it matters not what the temptation, ever turn back on that 
precious union of heart and sentiment which is given to 
us but once in a life? No! No! I cannot, dare not, do 
that. Dear Tom, if you could only see me now struggling, 
even with seeming hesitation, you would be cast, I know, 
into despair and misery. Fear not! Chosen of a girl's 
first love. Your fate is assured in our mutual happiness, 
if you prove only so constant as your own true Letitia. 
[Exit.] 

SCENE 2nd. 
New York — Mr. Richard Castleton ' s apartments. 

R. Cast.: — Well, I am back at last. I overstayed 



L 49 ] 

my leave, and here is the middle of December; but I had 
such a glorious time at Sawney Castle. I was treated, 
not like the Prime Minister, but like a prince of the Royal 
Blood. And then the delightful visits I made to the Duke 
of Sutherland and other of my great acquaintances. What 
a life those titled people live in that country. Can it last? 
I must go out and pay some visits. Madame Marie de 
Ginnalat has her ballroom now completed, and Smug de- 
pleted. She gives a grand affair tonight, and expects to 
completely outstrip the K. v. K's. entertainment of last 
year. I am glad that I was not at home and the arrange- 
ments were committed to that little Frenchman. [Exit. J 

scene 3rd. 

Enter Tom and Lord Tinkleberry. 

Tinkle.: — Well, Tom, this ball at the De Smugers' 
tonight is to be our last dissipation. In a few days we will 
be off to the old plantation, then for the free air and the 
woods and fields. , 

Tom: — I must tell you one thing, Jack; I will leave 
my heart behind me. 

Tinkle.: — So will I, Tom, and I fear with the same 
person. Miss Letitia having refused you, I thought it no 
treason in me to essay to win her myself. It seemed to me 
she was ever equally pleased with the attentions of either 
of us. Did you ever notice anything in her conduct indi- 
cating a preference, Tom? 

Tom: — I thought, or rather hoped, I did often. 

Tinkle.: — By Jove, Tom! I was often impressed in 
the same way ; now we have found out it was a sad mis- 
take. 

Tom : — It may be as you say, Jack, but what a lofty 
courage she has shown to refuse you. It is certain you 
may search New York society in vain for such a heroine. 

Rich. Cast, (returned): — I have gotten through my 



[ So ] 

calls at last. Where is the afternoon's paper? [Handed 
to him. He reads. Suddenly he is seized with a terrible 
agitation.] 

Tom: — What is the matter Uncle? Are you sick? 

Richard: — No, Tom, only socially ruined. Read 
aloud the dreadful announcement. 

Tom (reads) : — "The failure of Fox, Box & de Smu- 
ger was announced at the board this morning, caused by 
the phenomenal fall in certain stocks. It is rumored on 
the street that his two astute partners, through another 
broker, unloaded on the moneyed partner, Mr. de Smu- 
ger, sunk his whole fortune and bankrupted him in a still 
greater sum." 

Rich. Cast.: — Read on, Tom; that is nothing. 

Tom (continuing): — "Rumor has been very busy 
lately with the extravagance of living of the de Smuger 
family, and it is said that they have been introduced into 
high society by an eminent leader of fashion under an as- 
sumed and Frenchified name, when the original appella- 
tion of this family is plain Smug." 

R. Cast, (groans) : — I am off for France tomorrow by 
the steamer. Tom, break up this household and take 
Liddy home with you. It will be supposed that I was a 
party to this fraud. I will be laughed at, abused and de- 
rided. I must stay abroad a long time, until new sensa- 
tions rub out this one, and finally return to find my reign 
in fashionable society ended. 
[Ring at the bell.] 

Enter Mrs. K. v. K. :— Oh! Mr. Richard, how could 
you deceive us all so. What a nasty fraud it is! I hope, 
old friend, you are innocent of all participation in it. And 
think of it! The Sheriff's officers are now in the house 
levying on everything, even to the pattes de fois gras and 
champagne of tonight's supper. 
R. Cast.: — (Groans.) 



[ 5* ] 

[Another ring. Enter Peter Smug, Mrs. Smug and 
Letitia, the last two weeping.] 

Peter: — This is dreadful! Crushing!! Overwhelm- 
ing!!! 

Mrs. Smug (between her sobs): — Oh! Mr. Richard, 
what are we to do? All our wealth gone and we reduced 
to poverty and the Smug name. 

Letitia: — I do not care a penny for the money. My 
tears are only shed for the wretched deception practiced 
on society in New York. It was never done by my 
consent. 

Tom [Taking Letitia by the hand and leading her 
forward.]: — If I have your father's consent, dear Letitia, 
you will be provided at once with the love and protection 
of an honest man, and become the mistress of a poor 
man's home. This very evening, with my Uncle's per- 
mission, I will make you mine. 

Tinkle: — That is not fair, Tom. We have both pro- 
posed, as you know, to this charming young lady, and 
she must be allowed a free and fair choice between us — 
choose thou now between us! 

Letitia: — My Lord Tinkleberry, you remember on a 
certain occasion, which shall be not named here, I told 
you that my love had been given to another [turning to 
TomJ ; this is the gentleman. 

Tinkle: — Well, I can stand that and forego the sum- 
mit of happiness in favor of my friend, at least with a 
moderate amount of resignation. 

Peter Smug. : — I give my 

Mrs. Smug.: — Peter, stop instantly! We forbid this 
marriage! [To Letitia.] Senseless, ungrateful girl, do 
you refuse a coronet in Scotland for a three-horse farm in 
the South, with your vile Mose and Josh, especially when 
we are reduced to dire poverty? Peter, arrest her; she is 
not her own mistress. 



I 52 ] 

R. Cast, (walking up to Letitia): — Let me examine 
this startling curiosity of society! Throw aside an earl 
for my nephew Tom! A thing unheard of in the polite 
world here, since New York was first settled by the Dutch. 
Take her, Tom; she is a pearl of priceless value. 

Enter Petit Pois: — Ha-ha! De Smuger! Ha-ha! 
Hombog! I shete Marie de Ginnilat, she pay me money 
for zat frod. I make fool of ziz woman. Famille noble, 
Ha-ha! I make zat up for von tousand dollair. Adieu, 
Letish ! I nevaire lof you ; zat was de money lof! No 
money — take your beggair, Tom. [Richard, Tom and 
Tinkleberry run him off the stage.] 

Enter Liddy : — What's dis I hear 'bout breakin up dis 
place en goin to France, by de ole Marster. Where's I 
gwine? 

Tom: — You will go home with me, Aunt Liddy, and 
this young lady, my wife. 

Liddy: — Is dare a colored Baptist church near de 
plantashun? 

Tom : — Three in sight. 

Liddy: — 'Nuff! I'se ready to go tomorrow. 

Tinkle.: — I'm going too. 

Aunt Liddy (sings): — 

Oh! We better go back to Moses and Josh, 
And leabe dis vile city of sin. 
Deys all a movin in one mighty rush 
Wid no godliness bidout or biden. 

-* * -X * # 

R. Cast.: — I'll never go back to Joshua and Mose; 
O'er the ocean I'll fly to my rest; 
Some like in the country to idly repose ; 
For me it is gay France suits the best. 



[ S3 J 

All :-^- Let us never despise the lot of those people 
Who follow the plough through the rows; 
Some cling to the town and its sins and its 

steeples ; 
"Tis much safer to live like old Mose. 

[Curtain falls and rises again.] 

TABLEAU. 

An old plantation home. Tom and Letitia, in home- 
spun, on the piazza. Lord Tinkleberry loading his gun . 
Liddy with spectacles on nose reading the Testament. 
Mose, Josh, Aunt Dinah and Buddy near by. 

[Curtain .] 



FINIS 



PRINTED AT THE ENTERPRISE PRINTING OFFICE, CHESTER, S. C. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



